if i ever was

for years we have tried to squint our eyes and stare at the sky. 

what is this pressure in my chest?

what is left?

what is this feeling in my feet?

i have to let it out i have to let it out.

i can feel my heart beat, there is something it keeps

locked in, the stanzas of our existence will intertwine-

the swirling leaves and falling colors,

we will all collapse, a grand collapse.

noise like the wind through the forests, over the rivers, across the seas-

thunder through the towns and the wharfs and the city streets.

everything will listen,

everything will be

what i have never felt, i will feel this time.

i am scared, i am terrified, this is mine, and i slide-

my panoramic view spinning and spinning, lightning and lighting

the colors the shapes, my life before my eyes,

everything unwinds.

i am awed by your power,

shocked by your grace.

choking and spitting and pale in the face-

hooked in my nose, the noise the noise,

the speed of your words through the air and the space.

thoughts like missiles crash into the churches, the bridges and barns,

explaining the sparks and stabs and stings

all of this, the things that cant be put to words, they ring

in my ears, before my eyes, my life-

it always ends on a riverbank in the sun at the end of the summer.

there is something in me that i do not understand.